Getting Closer

I talked to my Mama today as I do daily (several times a day actually). Since it is coming up on six months that Hospice has been there with Daddy, the caseworker (nurse) came today to do an assessment. Of course since they realize that Daddy is getting ever closer to death, they will not leave as is their standard procedure if the patient has exceeded 6 months.

We are just sitting on ready really. Today I packed the kids clothes back up.... tomorrow, I will spend washing everything that is left to wash (had to leave a couple of loads when we went to Florida). I can't really pack things for Glenn and I yet, as we don't have as many clothes as the kids do!

We were also sort of stuck tonight, wondering what to do. My 16 year old niece is with us and we needed to purchase her ticket tonight in order to get the best deal. However, her ticket is for Thursday of next week- July 10th. Not knowing if we will be here that long!, we wondered what to do- if we get called to Florida before then, we lose the ticket... if we don't, then all is o.k. If we waited a few days, the ticket will go up in price AND they say on their website to purchase it 10 days before flight. SO, in the final analysis, we got it.

My oldest brother is praying he can get to Florida (from Paraguay) before Daddy dies. He is too sick himself to come right now. The doctors though believe they can have him ready in 3 weeks- and even though I want my brothers all there (the other one in Paraguay is on the waiting list for next Tuesday), I can no longer pray Daddy makes it for any of us. He is in SOOOOO much pain now. I know he's much better off going on Home. sigh.............

Sunday

I'm in a lot of pain tonight so this won't be long....

We had a good Sunday... I really missed the people that attend our church. It was nice seeing them again and feeling missed by them.

I really don't think it will be long at all before we are back in Florida. Daddy continues to go downhill.

If I had to give a guess, I would say within a month.

Home

All I feel like writing for now is we are home. We made it back to our home in Minnesota around 6:30 this evening.

We are exhausted in every way but 'happy' to be home for now.

Friday- Wisconsin

We made it tonight to Wisconsin. We have about a 4 and a half hour drive home tomorrow. Of course, that doesn't mean we will be home very early. We do hope to be home in the evening sometime at least though.

This afternoon, Ethan suddenly starts crying. He said he dreamed about Grandpa (my Daddy) and that he misses him so much. He cried at least 30 minutes straight. The pitiful thing was when he started, we were on a toll road with absolutely no place to stop. The moment we had a chance to pull over, we did and he sobbed some more. Of course that put me in tears.

Daddy had a rough night they say and today he managed to say to me, "I love you."

Keep praying.

Thursday- on our way home

We made it to Paducah, Kentucky.... we are staying tonight in the same hotel where we stayed the first night on our way down to Florida. We are about half way home, really went a long ways today.

We had intended to be up and almost ready to go by 2 a.m., but by the time everyone said their goodbyes and I spent extra time with my Daddy, it was exactly 3 a.m. when we cranked the van and headed out.

This morning, I believe God gave me a precious moment with Daddy. He's been seeing Heaven a good bit lately and this morning was no exception. He suddenly just looked up at the ceiling (as he does a lot now) and said, "it's such a peaceful place. There's no sickness, there's no hospitals, I can walk here, I can run here." He went on to describe that it was just beautiful, beyond anything he could describe. He's been talking a lot lately about who he's seeing there, but this morning, he told me more about seeing streets of gold, seeing a river. Wow. That's all I can say is wow.

Happy Blogoversary to me!

I posted (below this one) but then realized that today is my blogoversary. I began this blog 2 years ago today. (before that I blogged some while we lived in Russia- those posts are somewhere. ha)

I intended to commit to posting 75 days straight until today, my blogoversary. I have grown accustomed however to posting daily, and well... I'll go as much as I can daily. Thanks for reading. It means a lot.

Today's post is below this one, entitled, "Only Tears."

Only Tears

Only tears today... only tears.

Pray for us as we plan to leave in the middle of the night... I will try posting from the motel tomorrow night.

Tuesday- (for some reason blogger says Monday!)

This morning, Daddy was awake and talking a good bit. He was completely in his right mind and it was nice to have a good hour or so to talk to him. Only once did I wonder about a memory he was telling me about from when he was a teenager. Who knows!? It could be completely true anyway. Some things we simply won't know I guess unless we remember him telling it before.

I have come to the realization that we have lost him. What I mean is, we have lost the Daddy I know and love. Of course I love this one that is in bed, too. That's not what I mean... I mean I've lost the Daddy that used to call me daily in the mornings since he knew I was up getting Cala ready for school... I've lost the Daddy that would joke with me because many times I had ended up calling him four or five times throughout the day. I've already lost so much and sometimes just typing that out makes me feel so selfish. :o(

Tomorrow is our last day here and that in itself is more than I can think about right now.

Monday

Today was busy. The bath aides were here, a preacher came by to visit, another one came to pick up my niece for camp, (as well as visited with Daddy a few minutes), the Hospice nurse came, and in between all that, the company that Daddy's c-pap machine came from, came by! (we were gone during that time, as we took my Mama out to eat lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant here in town).

This evening, my sister-in-law and I took Cala with us and headed to a nearby town to a small Wal-mart. This was just to see if they had any different clearance items than the Super Center here in my hometown. Because we have both Cala and Ethan going to school this September, I am trying to buy their school stuff (clothes and supplies) little along, as I see good deals.

Daddy ate a good bit tonight and last night his voice was strong... wondering if this is the "rallying" we have heard about.

Sunday

Last night, I stayed up the entire night on the couch close to my parents' room. This is because Daddy had suddenly taken off his c-pap machine (for sleep apnea)- which is also connected now to oxygen. He was very fidgety and my sister-in-law and I were concerned that he would do this again and Mama might need our help.

I am a night owl by design and so I offered to sit up. I honestly had intended at some point to go to bed after three or four hours, by around 4 a.m. or so, but no... I fell asleep for 1 hour evidently, and then just couldn't rest. So, there I stayed. Of course today I was entirely exhausted!

After church in the morning, people like to come over and see Daddy. One man was so taken aback that he sobbed and sobbed this morning. Daddy's death will affect many.

We are continuing on with our plans to leave Thursday. Pray for us.

Saturday

Today we attended the funeral that I mentioned in a previous post. That was hard of course.

Tonight, my Daddy continued his decline and began crying that he won't be here long.

Please pray for all of us... we have some decisions to be made and none are easy.

Friday

Daddy has not been awake more than 15 minutes at any one time all day. The Hospice nurse asked today if we would say he's sleeping 20 plus hours a day. I responded, "20 plus PLUS!" :o(

I am SO glad we came when we did because for the first 2 days or so he was talking to me... now, hardly ever.

As for me, some of you who have read this blog for months, know that I am being tested for Lupus, and a host of other things. Anyway, whatever it is I have (other than fibromyalgia) decided to flare up this morning.

Because of the death I mentioned last night, I helped Mama today to fix some food to take to the family. It was just weird to be doing something that soon, someone will do for us.

My heart continues to break. It's just so hard. We have our days of being on top of things and other days when the walls come crashing down... this has been a wall crashing day.

Thursday

Tuesday night, we had the Hospice nurse here to help Daddy because of his catheter stopping. While she was here, around 11 p.m., a good friend of mine (the same on I mentioned this week on Monday- my "sister"), called because her uncle (to whom she was very close) had died that night. He had just spent time with his family, eating supper, having dessert, and his Mom found him dead at his computer.
We spent well into the night with the family at the ER and then at their home.

Now, on Saturday, I will attend his funeral. :o( I can't believe that while we have been waiting on Daddy to go, we now will have attended (at this point) 2 funerals. (one back in December for a close family friend- also a very unexpected death).

This funeral on Saturday will be hard- of course it will be anyway- a shock, but it will be held at the funeral home where my Daddy will be. It just seems like a 'practice' of sorts. Sigh....

Daddy is just not well. His mind is wandering now. At this point, we are not sure if it's medicine or from the cancer.

Continue praying.

Tuesday

Just a quick note... we had to call a Hospice nurse to come tonight and she is here now.... Daddy's catheter quit- had nothing in it, which means they need to come and check it out. Of course we also know that this may just be another sign of dying, as we know his kidneys will eventually shut down.

Pray for us. It will be terrible if they have to get him to the hospital. So much pain.

I am so tired... imagine how he's feeling.

Monday

Grief.... plain and simple... grief.

A girl I grew up with is the nearest thing I have to a sister. (I am the youngest, the only girl- I have 3 older brothers). My "sister" came to see Daddy today (whom she considers her Dad, as he is as close to one as she had). It was rough seeing her see Daddy in this condition... she came 2 weeks ago to visit I am told, but Daddy was not as bad off as he is now. He seems to be changing daily.

I had been crying a lot before she came, but had stopped.... seeing my "sister" sobbing made me feel so strange, sort of removed from the situation. I felt so bad for her, and left the room for just a moment to get my Mama. She came and held my "sis."

You see, we all know we HAVE to face Daddy's impending death. We just don't want to. It really doesn't make it any easier to know we have to. We are all dealing with this the best we can I think.

Then, enter in guilt... I left for a couple of hours this evening thinking Daddy would be sleeping the entire time because he had been awake a LOT today (because his bath aides were here for a good long while, then my "sis" came, my inlaws were here, etc.). He was so tired and you could really tell that.

I called while we were out (went to eat with my inlaws for their anniversary), and Daddy was awake. I felt so guilty for ever leaving. Now, my parents both assured me not to feel that way, but I couldn't help it. I am home, he's sleeping. sigh.....

Please pray we all sleep tonight. Last night was not a good night at all. My Mama, my sister in law, my husband and I all were up around 3:30 helping Daddy. After everyone else went to bed, I still could not sleep, and it was after 6 a.m. I finally rested a bit. Pray.

Sunday

This morning, I stayed home to take care of Daddy and so my Mama could go to church. Then, tonight I stayed here too, but this time, Mama stayed home as well. She wanted to be with Daddy, but not be alone either, and so I stayed. I really was feeling rough anyway, re-cuperating from the trip.

It is just so hard to see my Daddy this way, and I am still processing it all. He's jerking a lot now. The pain medicine seems to be causing him to be mixed up, mostly at night... sometimes, it's even been comical, as if to give me a smile in the midst of the sadness, the pain of losing him. I am suddenly brought back down, low as I remember why he's been silly- because of pain medicine, given to him to bring the edge off. Then, I am sad... really really sad.

Here- Yesterday's Post

I will post again tonight, but here is yesterday's post.... I typed out just a short note and hit post, but it came up with an error message, so no... I didn't miss, just some blogger glitch...

Saturday- Here in Florida.... "We're here, exhausted, but here. Daddy is just not looking good. I can't even process it all yet. Please pray."

Not much more to say, but that I will post tonight when I get the chance. I am staying home with Daddy this morning so Mama can go to church.

Friday- Georgia

Tonight, we made it to Perry, Georgia. For those of you who are not up on Georgia geography, it's a little over 100 miles south of Atlanta, and just 31 miles south of Macon. That puts us 333 miles from our home town, or about 5 hours.

We are exhausted! SO, tomorrow, we are going to just sleep and not worry about leaving really early from here. We are planning it so we can stop by a Wal-mart on the way in, and then we are going to meet my inlaws for supper at Cracker Barrel. This will be our Father's Day time with my father-in-law, and also, after that, I don't plan to leave my parents home much. I do have a planned shopping trip with my Mama, because she has asked me to carry her one morning, but only for a couple of hours or so.

Please continue praying. I am so tired emotionally and it's only begun of course. Daddy's hospice nurse told my Mama to call them with any change whatsoever at this point, because the nurse has noticed changes since 2 days ago. The nurse will be back on Monday, but she said if anything changes at all before then, to call Hospice.

I will try posting tomorrow night from my parents home. Of course I can't promise that since I don't know what will happen tomorrow... I don't know what to expect when I see Daddy... well, I do, from what I've been told, but it scares me. It really scares me.

Glad to be safely in a room...

As I posted last night, we planned to get up and leave by 2 a.m. this morning. God had other plans! We absolutely could not sleep, and turned the t.v. on, only to find that the Cities were under a tornado watch, and much of the area where we would soon be traveling. We then decided to re-set the alarm for 2:30 and leave by 3, but still couldn't sleep. So then we said, "let's just get up and go now" and then all of a sudden, "BOOM!" Thunder and lightning ensued. So, leaving the alarm set for 2:30 we proceeded to try to get some sleep.

The storm continued and we hit the snooze button when 2:30 rolled around and fell asleep. Glenn woke up at 4:40 and off we were at a little after 6 this morning!

We drove through some terribly flooded areas (well, we could see tractors out in water, where obviously crops have been destroyed.). I was driving as a terrible storm started and seemed to go on for ages. That set us back even further.

All that to say.... we made it to Paducah, Kentucky (farther than we planned) tonight. We got here around 9:30 p.m. and first thing, we began the baths... didn't matter it was late for the kids... we all needed to shower the road off. lol

This is certainly going to be an emotional trip... I can feel that the closer we get. In talking to my Mama and my sister-in-law, they are happy we are on our way.

Continue praying for us... I'll try writing again tomorrow night- we'll be in Georgia somewhere.

Yes I should sleep...

We are going to sleep for a little while (soon) and get up and head out- hoping by 2 a.m. I will post again tomorrow evening from the motel (AS LONG AS I can get a good wi-fi connection).

Please pray for us... I told my Mama and my sister-in-law tonight, but not my Daddy. He knows we will be there by Tuesday... we will surprise him Saturday night.

Pray for our trip, and for the van, etc. etc. Thanks!

We're going....

Thanks to those who have posted, emailed and to the rest of you who I know are reading (or at least I may not know who you are, but I know there are quite a few who read). Thanks for the prayers.

We spent today deciding to go this coming Sunday, following church. THEN, later in the day Glenn suddenly asked what did I think of us going tomorrow night after church? That depends on him getting a preacher we know to fill in for him. So, pray about all that. He will call tomorrow (we were gone the majority of the day today).

IF we do leave tomorrow (well, actually early early Thursday morning- middle of the night)... we will make it to my parents house by Saturday night late, putting us there for Father's Day. I had really wanted to be there for Father's Day, but didn't think it possible, and so did not say.

We also got word tonight from a Pastor that his church is sending us an offering towards this trip. What a blessing! That seemed to be further confirmation to us to go on this week instead of the following Sunday.

I have struggled so much with when to go- you see, for me, I could easily keep staying here and NOT go until we get THE call... I dread the day we leave to come back home to Minnesota. I remember how it was in January. You can read a little about that here http://minnesota-mama.blogspot.com/2008/01/on-our-way-home.html#links .

I just don't want to be the one that had the chance (God is seemingly making a way financially) and didn't go. I would regret that big time!

Pray for us. Of course we will take the lap top whenever we do go, and I will try updating from the motel each night. I will try to remember to post when we have definitely decided on when we are leaving.

Monday

Monday was an emotional day. We spent most of the afternoon talking about when we will go to Florida- when the best time is... we haven't been "called in" so to speak, but we feel the need to get there and see Daddy for a few days. When we go, we will travel by vehicle, and because of the time it takes to get "to and fro", we will only have an actual 8 days or so there. That seems so little. We would much prefer two weeks there, but it's the way it has to be. We know at some point in the coming weeks, we will be called in that "this is it", and so, now we will go spend a few precious days with Daddy.

To be honest, none of us thought he would be here this long. When I left Florida in January (after spending 2 months there), I thought he would be gone by end of February, first of March. Here it is June. Grief is so real right now and I just feel this need to get there.

He's weak, he's tired, he's hard to understand on the phone now and I am told that's the way he is in person too.

I already dread the leaving him again, but I also don't want to be the person who could have been there, but didn't go just because I don't want to deal with seeing him like this.

Pray for us... we have some major decisions to make about when to go. It came down to money, and we have some set back for "THE" trip, and then today... we found a way to get a major portion for a visit trip. Pray for us... we still need more, but if God wants us to go, He'll supply.

With tears....

Sunday

Yes, I'm writing "early" (10:30 p.m. here) again! What's happening with me?! ha

We've had a really good day. Church was good.

Tonight, we have a girl from church having a sleep-over with Cala. It will surely be all giggles and little sleep ! I am happy for Cala to have a friend like this. It makes me remember my childhood.

Pray for Daddy. He is in a lot of pain... he's not sounding good at all the past several days. Of course this makes my heart sad.

A nice Saturday

Praise the Lord, the rain never came! We had a good party today!

This morning, we had 16 kids present and 3 of us workers. That really is good for our first time doing this... now we wait to see how Tuesday will go! We also know of 4 other kids here in our neighborhood that were out of town today but want to be here Tuesday... the lady in our church also knows of a couple of other kids that were out of town but plan to be here Tuesday. We pray so!

Everything went well and we now look forward to seeing what will happen this summer with our Backyard Bible Club!

Friday- Day ?

I will have to go back and figure out what day I am on of 75 days of blogging :o) I am enjoying it... hope I'm not too dreadful boring! ha

I also thought I would shock you who read by posting this earlier tonight! How 'bout that?!

Today was one of those days where time seemed to get away from me... just went too quickly. A lady from church came over right before 1:00 this afternoon to go over our plans for tomorrow- we are hosting a (backyard) "end of the school year" party for kids. We are very excited, and praying that the weather will cooperate tomorrow! (it's looking "iffy" right now). However, we have other ideas, a back-up plan in case we have to take things inside our garage.

Some of our neighborhood kids have already said they are coming, and so we are looking forward to that.

The folks from church invited Cala to go swimming with them this afternoon, so she had a blast. Once she got back home, we all went to Wal-mart to buy some things we need for tomorrow, and for church on Sunday. We enjoyed our time together.

I am tired now, hurting lots, but looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday!

Thursday, a wonderful day....

Today (Thursday) was one of those days you wish could last a lot longer! We first left this morning and headed to a nearby city where Ethan had a therapy session. (well, actually this first one was talking to Glenn and me about Ethan). I am quite confident this therapist will be able to help Ethan and to help us help him.

We had planned a nice lunch out together but because we were mistaken on the time for my appointment, we had to have Glenn take the kids to eat while I waited. I missed out on my favorite pizza buffet that we so rarely get, but hey! That's life.

I really liked my therapist as well and think it will be good for me to see her about the grief I am facing, etc. I am glad I decided to go.

After all that was over, we really really enjoyed our time as a family! We went to a few stores we were all interested in, and ate supper together. We got back home right around 9 p.m.!!!!

One of the highlights of the day was introducing the kids to Pop Rocks! You know that candy that as popular when I was a kid? (in the 70's.) The expressions on the kids' faces were priceless! Got to love hearing Pop Rocks explode in your mouth!

Yep, it was a wonderful day.... Cala didn't disappoint... she was heard saying her typical thing for days like this, "this is the best day ever!" :o)

Wednesday

Today (Wednesday) turned out to be a very nice day. Emotionally, I have just been feeling way down low. I know that will be the "norm" for awhile, but I sure wish it weren't so. Of course I wish this whole nightmare was just that- a nightmare.

Anyway... a lady in our church had invited Cala over to do a craft with her and some other girls (her daughter has become Cala's good friend). This morning, the lady called asking if the boys could come too! Her boys would like them to come over. What a nice treat that was for them! My boys were extremely excited to spend time with these older boys (like big brothers).

This gave Glenn and I time alone which just doesn't happen. It was wonderful! We went out to eat lunch and took care of some things in town. What a blessing!

Then tonight, Glenn preached on prayer and used the word as an acronym.
P- praise R- repentance A-adversity Y-yearning E-expectation R- rejoicing. I must say it hit home.

Tomorrow, we will be gone most of the day. We are taking Ethan to a therapist- more on that later, as well as I am going to speak with one about grief. I think I need it. Yes, they are Christian counselors, highly recommended and praise the Lord, they take our insurance! Zero out of pocket.

Tuesday

Woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach... at first, I thought it was due to my fibromyalgia and/or whatever else I have wrong with me. Then I thought perhaps it was just the stress. However, when I woke up for the night, Glenn said he too had been up (about 2 hours after I had) with the same symptoms. I am thinking it was a bad chicken sandwich we ate for supper last night! ugghh. We are both better tonight, but not 100 percent.

Cala had her last day of school today. She really likes school and is sad to lose these classmates (all but one)... however, she is excited about being able to be outside so much more now! I am happy to have her home too! We have a lot of fun together!

Daddy had another difficult day. Please pray for my Mama and the stress she is under.

Monday

I'm sad tonight, just so very sad.... my Daddy has had a rough day.

Please pray for me (and for my family).

Sunday

Today was a good day. I enjoyed teaching my Sunday School class on Amos, and being famous in God's eyes- Amos said he was neither a prophet, nor a prophet's son when God called him to do something for Him. The kids enjoyed the lesson (or was it that it included "Famous Amos" cookies? ha). Seriously, we had a good class, good worship service, as well as tonight. We have fellowship ("Sandwich Sunday") every Sunday night and enjoy that.

This week, Cala has her last day of school on Tuesday. She's sad at losing her classmates. I know she's happy though at being outside this summer. The neighborhood is buzzing with kids playing :o)

Looking forward to seeing what this week brings!

Those who read this and are from the "adoption community", well, you will completely understand this post....

Note to person who used the words, "real Mama" when speaking of my oldest son's birth mother, well... I realize this person would never dream of hurting me.... this person also doesn't read my blog, so really why am I writing this post?! I guess to safely vent somewhere. (hey! It's my blog after all, guess I can post what I want!).

It's just... if "real Mama" is the way we describe her, what am I? Fake Mama? I don't feel fake. I feel very real. Admittedly, I could stand to lose a lot of weight, but uh... I LOOK very real... I don't think I look fake.

Ok... enough said... you may go back to your regularly scheduled broadcasting.

Real Mama here, out........ :o)