3 a.m.

So it's 3 a.m. I haven't even been to bed. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes while Glenn and I were watching an Alfred Hitchcock movie (which we've been doing nightly right lately). That was much much earlier though- we started the movie at 9 p.m.

This has sooo got to change! I have too much to do as a wife, a Pastor's wife at that, a mother, (to kids ages 9, 5, and 3 at that!) to not be getting sleep! I am seriously thinking now of doing what I was avoiding- going into the doctor to ask for some help.

Weird thing is I really emotionally have had 2 pretty good days! I haven't posted here since Friday I noticed so let me update:

Saturday was our normal big cleaning day. However, Saturday morning, I took all 3 kids with me to yard sales and then on to Wal-mart. This gave Glenn some much needed alone time to study more for Sunday, etc. I was thrilled that it went so well- the kids really behaved well and we all had a good time together!!!!

Sunday we had our first baptism here. That was so very special, and we baptized in a beautiful location, in the Mississippi River! We ate Sunday dinner with the family of the girl we baptized and really had a nice time of fellowship. What a blessing!

Yesterday (Monday), we did our typical Monday thing of taking it easy, recuperating from Sunday! I did a few loads of washing, the kids spent a lot of time playing outside (well I should say Cala was outside most of the day! Ethan was out part of the day, and Seth- well, Seth goes out for a little while at a time, comes back in because "I'm hot!"). They all three looked like a ton of dirt fell off in their baths at night! ha

I will try remembering to post some pictures later on from the past few days. For quite some time now the computer wasn't letting me upload from my memory stick but hallelujah it worked on Sunday! So, I'll upload some here soon! Stay tuned...

Friday

What a full day! I am tired and hope I can sleep tonight. That would be a change!

This morning, Ethan and I had somewhere to go about 30 minutes from here so off we went. Got that taken care of and Glenn and I dropped the kids off with a church family and went to my therapy appointment. After that, we ate lunch together, came back, got the kids, headed to a couple of yard sales, to Home Depot (to look at the price of fences... we really would love to fence in our back yard!)... then to Super Target.

While at Target, we bought a vacuum cleaner. We have no luck with vacuums- sometime I will explain, but we bought a new one tonight. Got home, used said vacuum (Glenn did- I am highly allergic to vacuuming- no joke! love vacuuming but can't.) (Isn't vacuum a funny looking word?!) .... The belt broke on said vacuum and off Cala and I go back 9 miles to Target to pick a new one up... bought one for an old vacuum and sure enough it now works too. It's not a really good vacuum- the handle is broken, but we will now have an upstairs vacuum and a downstairs one. It's nice. Our new vacuum seems to do really well! I was amazed and disgusted by the dirt it got up.

Friday nights we have family night, and tonight was Ethan's turn to choose everything. Before bed, the kids helped in cleaning upstairs and re-arranging the furniture.

Cala and I are off to yard sales tomorrow morning... possibly taking the boys too, not completely decided yet. Lots to take care of tomorrow. Goodnight!

Thursday

This morning we all loaded up and went looking for a suitable place to hold a baptism.
We found one! We had been told last night at church about this place and sure enough it will do wonderfully. It is beautiful there!

SO, Sunday, we will hold a baptism in the Mississippi River no less!

Wednesday Post

Wednesday was Ethan's 3rd Family Day. It's incredible to me that it's been 3 years since Ethan became our son. The picture to the left is from the first time we met him.... May 2005. I can't believe how babyish he looks here. He was just 2 years 4 months old then. He came home August 13th at the age of 2 years 7 months.

I hope to be able to post a recent picture of him soon. Unfortunately, our computer doesn't want to upload pictures from our disc anymore! ugggh.

To celebrate Ethan's Family Day, after lunch, we headed to the city park. We even took our dogs with us and had a great time! Supper was sloppy joes and tater tots (at Ethan's request!) and Carrot Cake for dessert. (this boy doesn't care for chocolate much!). I don't let my kids have Cokes (sodas, pops,whatever you want to say) except for special days like this, and so today we had Ethan's favorite- Coca-Cola! He really had a great day and I am so proud to be his Mama!!!!!

Tonight I said, "Ethan! I am glad you're my son." He said, "I'm glad you're my girl!" :o)

Tuesday

This afternoon, I took Seth on a "date." We had a good time buying him school supplies (for homeschool- pre-school). He was so cute as he would pick something up and put it in the buggy saying, "here, we need some of these!" Of course a few times I promptly put said item back on the shelf because well, what's a 3 year old going to do with a protractor!? HA

I tried to spend today happy, not focusing on the fact that today, it was a year ago that my Daddy fell. I noticed that every moment that I was quiet, I cried or felt incredibly sad... if I was busy (this morning we had a kids meeting to attend), I could function.

I just hope I sleep tonight!

Tomorrow is the funeral for the baby I mentioned a few days ago. Please pray for our family!

Monday

It's now 12:37 a.m., after midnight.... I am unfortunately wide awake!!!

Monday- I got a lot done... did a good bit of washing/drying clothes, made several needed phone calls, got some things ready for the mail, etc. etc. I ended up not getting out of the house today, except for going out back for a few minutes. I heard my dog bark, looked out back and didn't see her. Glenn was gone, Cala was across the street at a friend's house, and the boys were both napping. I went out back to check because my dog has a habit of getting loose. However, there she was still on her chain, but in the "dog house." So, I spent some time loving on my dog, looked over and the puppy (won't be a puppy much longer!) was jealous, so over I go to spend time with him too. I then hear a bark from my dog who was completely not happy that I was loving on Snezhinki! (the puppy).

I had some really down moments today... called and made therapy appointments for Ethan and me. The soonest they could get us both in on the same day was August 28th. Feeling more and more depressed, after Glenn got home and convinced me to do so, I called back and they have an appointment available for me this Friday.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) morning is the Backyard Bible Club. I am supposed to say a few words there about missionaries. I look forward to that.

We had a good day of church services and now as is always on Sunday night, I am ready for bed! Only thing it's 9 p.m. Waaaaaayyyyy too early for this night owl. ha However, I've not been sleeping very well lately, and I really do think I will take a different approach tonight and go to bed earlier.

Maybe at least I will get more sleep, even if it's interrupted.

On a cute note, this afternoon Ethan asked, "Mama, is this hip-hop?" Then he proceeded to hiccup. HAAAAAAAAAAA

There are no words tonight, just a heart full of many different emotions. A relative of mine is dealing with the loss of their baby daughter today. This hurts on many different levels.

It touches my heart thinking that my Daddy was there to welcome this precious baby into heaven this morning! That's the amazing part. The human side of me aches.

Cala's home!

I temporarily got out of my sadness to be happy that my daughter is home from camp! We were all so happy to see her, even her baby brothers were saying, "Cala, I missed you!" She seemed very tired, but very happy to have gone, and very happy to be home. A noticeable difference was that this normally very white Russian girl has gotten some color in her face and arms!!!

We enjoyed a quiet evening here at home and watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Yes it was late, but we let every kid stay up until at least all three of their countries had come out. Actually El Salvador had not yet come when we finally sent them to bed, promising Ethan we would call him when they came out. Once we said, "hey Ethan! El Salvador is coming soon!", here came all three kids. We all cheered when each country's athletes passed by, and of course us American parents cheered for the U.S. as well :o)

We even watched for Paraguay (where two of my brothers are missionaries and three of my nieces/nephew are from)... we cheered for Albania where one of my sisters-in-law is from, as well as for Mexico, where another sister-in-law is from!

We will watch those countries especially over the next couple of weeks I am sure.

Hoping for a good night's rest, I am heading to bed.

Anniversary

This was taken just last year, in June 2007. We had gone to Florida for my youngest brother's ordination service. This was taken during that same trip.

Today (well, Thursday, August 7th) would have been Mama and Daddy's 52nd anniversary. It was the last date he wanted to be around for, but of course he didn't make it. God was gracious to him, to let him out of his suffering before now. I realize that in my head, but my heart just aches. I miss my Daddy so very much! I felt rather silly yesterday and today- I was crying and thinking, "I want to call Daddy because I feel so sad." Then I remembered, "hey Amy! You're crying because he's no longer here!".

Watch this interview!

Remember a few weeks ago (in May) when Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria in a tragic accident?

They were interviewed this morning on Good Morning America. You can see the interview here: http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=5524419

The Chapmans will also be guests on Larry King Live tomorrow night. I hope I remember to watch that!

Grief is "in my face" today. No other way to describe it. Sort of zapping my energy.

I must press on.

Friends

I am thankful for friends who still call. You see, many times I have seen that people are forgotten in their grief. The cards stop, the calls, emails, etc. stop. Just like that... people go on back to their lives while the grieving still feel as if the world has stopped.

As a Pastor's Wife, I am vowing not to be this way (and as a friend). I personally think it would be great if for a month following the death of a spouse let's say, that someone would still bring in a meal once a week. What a blessing that would be! My Mama has my sister in law there with her, but of course my sister in law grieves too.
I am particularly thinking though about those who have no one, all have gone and there sits the grieving widow (or widower). Who feels like cooking?! I don't and I didn't lose my spouse!

SO back to my post title... I was very happy yesterday to get a "checking on you" phone call from a girl (she's 3 years younger than me, maybe that's why I said, "girl"?) that I grew up with... to me, I count her my sister. In fact, as soon as I let her know that Daddy had died, she jumped in her car and headed to Mama's house. She called first asking them to hold the body so she could say her final bye. She called me back telling me how she "told Daddy" that his girls (she and I) would stay in contact. She was just a true friend then and it was nice to have her call.

Then a woman who I became best friends with in junior high and high school (and hadn't seen in at least 4 years) came to the viewing and the funeral (I called her the day of Daddy's death--- she and her husband had visited him last fall when he was in the hospital, but before I got to Florida back then.... anyway, she called me today. We've been emailing since I got home Saturday, and then she called checking on me, as well as to tell me that her precious 93 year old grandmother is not long for this world. I have met her Grandma many years ago, and I feel her hurt.

I must end this post by saying that I thank GOD for these phone calls. Yesterday I felt myself slipping into depression and it only got worse today. Both calls helped me right at a moment of just about to cry.

We took Glenn to the doctor today- he woke up not speaking, swollen face (looked like Mick Jagger!), fever, throat hurting. He has a throat infection. While there, I talked to the doctor about my not sleeping and let her know that my Daddy had gone on. (I had been in there a few weeks ago). She told me what to try first before we consider a prescription. I about broke down in there because a nurse asked why we had been in Florida- was it for vacation? OF COURSE she had no clue about my Daddy, and I felt awful for her when I said, "no, my father died." She apologized profusely and I told her "no problem, you didn't know." I think it was after that though that it hit me in the face again.

It was after that, that my friend from school called. God was good to send that call my way right when I needed it most. We even got cut off while talking but it just helped to hear a familiar voice. Thank you Lord!

This morning, I did a favor for a friend and took care of two girls she babysits. (while she ran two of her kids and my daughter to the church that took them on to camp.)

After the girls left, I started working more on my menu and grocery list for the week, planning to go on to Super Target and Super Wal-mart soon. It didn't work out that way... oh yes, I made the list and menu basically, but had to make a phone call and wait on a return call. AND so, Ethan and Seth had both had their naps and were back up before I was really ready to go. Ethan ended up going with me and we did well... we were finally able to find him some more school clothes, including LEVIS on clearance for $8.98! That's just wonderful! I bought two pairs! I only wish I could find such a deal on Levis for Cala. They are both so rough on their jeans and we thought this year that we should buy them a good pair or two of Levis. I may have to spend regular price for Cala.

Ethan and I really enjoyed our time together and he spent most of it asking me questions about heaven, about Jesus and what the mean guys did to him on the cross. He was just so precious today.

Tonight, I am really tired. Going to bed soon.

Sunday

We only learned this morning when we remembered to check our messages that we couldn't hold our worship service in our normal meeting place. SO, we quickly got up all the luggage we had just dropped last night in the family room, and called our church people to come here to our home. It all worked out and we were all glad to be back together!

In between Sunday School and the preaching hour, Glenn asked that we stop and pray at that moment for my 20 year old nephew. (in Florida). You see, I have always been close to this nephew and last week while in Florida I could tell he wanted to talk and if I kept asking he would tell me what was up. Turns out he was being called to preach!!! WELL, today he surrendered to preach (went forward at church during the invitation to make it known!). This is exciting for me. He told us he only wished Grandpa could have known. Reckon God tells them of such great things like that?! Perhaps! I do know Daddy would have been proud.

And now I shall head back to finishing Cala's packing. She goes to church camp tomorrow. I will certainly miss that girl! She doesn't come home 'til Friday! This is a monumental occasion!

Home again...

Home again... we got in around 7:15 p.m. this evening (CST). We are exhausted but happy to be home. The kids got REALLY excited at the Minnesota sign! ha

I am just so very happy that our van made it here without any problems, AND we had no bad weather at all! (that's highly unusual!)

I have ironed clothes for church, am starting a DVD, but know I'll never make it through it... just want to unwind a bit. It's hard to believe I am back home. Life must keep going, somehow.

Wisconsin

We have had a good day of traveling... ok, so my usually really good travelers decided today to fight like cats and dogs!, but really we had a nice day.

I was very happy to be able to meet in person for the first time another online friend. This friend and I have known each other for several years now. We "met" on a Preachers Kids (that are now adults) yahoogroup. We found we were some (if not the only) of the ones who were happy growing up as PKs. So many others on the group seemed to hate their life. We stayed in touch even after we both left the group and are now on the same group that the woman from yesterday is on :o) We enjoyed eating supper together tonight.

We are now snuggled in our hotel room. It appears we have about a 5 1/2 hour drive tomorrow. That's nothing compared to the last two days! ha We will all be happy to get home.

Just praying for our van to keep on going...

In Hotel....

We pulled out at 12:51 a.m. EST from my Mama's house. (that seems so weird to say instead of "my parents' house."). It was of course difficult to leave and it felt as if my safety net was gone. It's been so very nice (if there is anything nice right now) to have the comfort of being together with those in the same trenches as I am, grieving, missing the same man.



As we always have done in our family, we gathered around before leaving, and prayed. It was my Mama, my brother, his wife, their daughter, and my family gathered in the living room standing hand in hand praying. My brother led the prayer for our safety and for us to have a good trip, to have smiles and laughter even though this would normally not be that kind of trip. That prayer has stuck with me throughout the day.



The kids slept later than usual, until 9 a.m. at least, and then went back to sleep for most of the day!!!! I couldn't believe it. We were able to get all the way up to Marion, Illinois. According to Mapquest, we have driven 877 miles today. We got here by 4:15 this afternoon, Central time.



God was so good to us.... a friend of mine that I met online a few years ago now (we are in the same yahoogroup together) lives here in this city. We were able to go out to supper with she and her family. We've done this now 3 times or so when we've come through. What a blessing it was tonight to just relax with them. My friend's husband lost his Mom six months ago. It was comforting to talk to him, because I heard much of myself (and my brothers) in his words- the feeling fine about things one day and the next day crying.



After supper, we came back to the hotel where we let the kids swim for awhile and now, they are fighting over covers as I type! ha



I am also just so totally excited for a dear friend of mine who has unexpectedly become the Mama to a baby boy :o) What a blessing it was to be excited for someone amidst my sadness.

Hitting the Road....

I have just a minute but wanted you to pray for us, as we are hitting the road right now after I send this blog (literally)!

Please pray that the van will do o.k. It supposedly is fine now. I will type more from the hotel as long as the wi-fi will work (bad luck with that recently, so I pray I get a connection!)

It is understandably VERY VERY hard to leave here. Daddy is everywhere in this house. I will now be back in Minnesota without the ones that are going through it the same time. That's sad, but that's life. I thank God for Glenn and that's a blessing! Many don't even have that in times like these!

Last Couple of Days

I am finding I prefer to update daily because now I have two days to type out! ha

My aches are more or less better- terrible headache today but that's gone, praise the Lord! (we were working on lots of "after death" stuff and it really can be overwhelming!)

Yesterday, Ethan was set to go to the doctor as a follow up to his ER visit (strep throat) last week. However, because he seemed to be all better, I called and got it set up for Cala to take that appointment, because she found a "lump" under her right arm, on Friday evening... it got larger as the days went on. I love our insurance. Really I do... I called and had it all set up as to where she could be seen down here and they agreed. Because of the whole thing of first setting it up for Ethan, changing it to Cala thing, it entailed a few phone calls.

SO, I get Cala to the doctor's office yesterday (where I went when I lived here), only to be told "oh! That insurance won't pay us." I insisted they would, and then was led to a part of the building I never knew existed to talk with who I suppose is in charge of billing.... "that insurance is no good here." I say, "yes, it is." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." I insure the woman that I had been on the phone with my insurance company, and they were all set to pay it. She insists no matter what, she knows they won't. "You have to go to an Urgent Care type of place, not a primary care physician", blah blah blah ad nauseum. (always wanted to use that phrase, "ad nauseum"- lol). I ended up very, very VERY upset (I confess I was more upset than I even understand), and home we came.

Long story short (too late you're saying), I found a place that readily accepted Cala- and took her this morning. Diagnosis? CAT SCRATCH "DISEASE" (aka "cat scratch fever- she had a low grade fever last night and tonight)! The doctor says that probably it's from our own cat, that the symptoms many times don't unfold for 2 to 3 weeks. Cala's response? "Evil pest". ha I said, "Cala, she really doesn't care for being dressed up all the time!" Cala is now on an antibiotic. (two kids on antibiotics at the same time- CAN my fibromyalgia laden memory keep up?!).

And then... there's our van... our dear, tired van... was supposed to be ready today. The mechanic says tomorrow. He also says he is going to drive it 30 to 40 miles to make sure it's really working- good plan dear mechanic! I sure hope it's set to go tomorrow so we can get home this weekend!!! Cala is to be at camp Monday morning!

Physically not feeling well. Those of you who have been with me a long time here in blog land know that I have something other than fibromyalgia that was diagnosed. The unknown diagnoses, well, I just need to get back home and get started on the specialist appointments.

Anyway, whatever I have is sure giving me a problem right now, so pray for me.

I just sat down here to check email and realized I had not blogged since Wednesday. I don't mean to get out of that habit, just busy here making phone calls for Mama and for the missionary wife we are trying to raise money for. Both are going well.

As for us, we want to get back home to Minnesota. Remember the van's transmission? Well, that got fixed and then on Thursday right before we were leaving for our night away (for our anniversary), the van gave out again! The mechanics claimed it was a sensor button or something that was working just fine when they last fixed the transmission. $40 later, we brought the van home at 4 p.m. Friday. I took off to Wal-mart only to hear it happening again. I told Glenn, he took the van while I finished up at Wal-mart (and had my inlaws car).... he called saying it must have been bad gas because it was working fine. I said, "praise the Lord! I hope you're right!". All that only to have Glenn call me 10 minutes later saying he made it home, but that was it. (was supposed to go to another store). The van was making the same sounds as it did before we had last taken it to the mechanic!!!!

AND SO- the mechanics were now closed, but won't they be surprised tomorrow morning when they get to work and see our vehicle back there?! (Glenn and his Dad already deposited it there). PLEASE PRAY we get this fixed, and that they are honest and do it right.

We simply want to get back home.

Happy Anniversary to Glenn and me!

I am blogging this afternoon since Glenn and I are getting ready to head out for the night. Thank the Lord Ethan has broke his fever and is feeling way better. He's now not contagious and is able to be with his brother and sister at my inlaws house.

Glenn found a great deal on a nice play and so we are heading on out. We were never sure we would be able to this year, but I am glad we are. This is traditionally our gift to one another- we decided that a long time ago, many many years ago (actually I think on our first anniversary!), that we would spend a night away as our gift. Now, it's not always worked out, because we lived in Russia, but even then after we had Cala, we would have someone watch her for a couple of hours so we could at least go out to eat.

This year we just thought we wouldn't be able to due to Daddy's death, and even though I have had a rough morning (as we all have- I think mostly due to realizing it was 2 weeks ago today), I am glad Glenn said "Yes, we are going!" (even last night we thought we wouldn't!).

So, off I go to get ready... we are leaving at 3 p.m.- just happens to be the time we got married. (15 years ago!)

Sorry for the no post last night- we have been extremely busy here for the good- of course not all has been fun- taking care of "business" that has to be done after someone dies.

We also will probably be going back home on Monday- would have gone tomorrow, but Ethan has strep throat... side note: our 15th anniversary is tomorrow.

However, we have now been trying to help a fellow missionary wife in need. She is a missionary wife in Scotland... while we were on the trip to South Carolina, we learned that her father had passed away and they were trying to get her out of Scotland to the states for the funeral. When she first learned of the death, the ticket for she herself was $1400. By the time she had found someone who could charge it to a credit card, it had shot up to a whopping $2400!!! (yes, just for one person!). This burdened the hearts of my husband, my brother and I, and through this, we have been busy working to raise the money to re-pay this debt of hers. We've sent countless emails and have been making phone calls and are making some progress. We are excited to see what God will do!

My Daddy was a champion of raising money for missionaries and we feel like this would be a great way to honor him. (want to donate, by the way? ;o/ I gladly will tell you where to send the check.

Strep throat amongst us....

Ethan (age 5) woke up this morning saying his throat was hurting, his stomach was too and he just didn't feel good.

By 11 a.m., Glenn said Ethan was burning up. Sure enough- a temp of 102.3. I called our insurance which instructed me to head to the ER- he had a temp of 102.5 by then....Ethan and I were at the ER from noon to 4:35 p.m.! We then took the 3 prescriptions to the drug store. Yes, it's strep. My 12 year old niece has strep so we knew right off he should go be checked out. Please pray for the rest of this household... already being run down from stress, travel, etc., it would be easy for us to get sick.

I don't even want to get into my experience at the ER. There has just got to be a more efficient way to see really sick people quicker. (I felt especially bad for the 9 month old baby with a 104.9 temp!).

While I was gone, I missed an online friend of mine. We are from the same city- grew up here, but never had met until about 4 years ago now. We were both here in Florida at the same time. When we met online, I lived in Russia, and she lived where she does today- in Virginia. We met by "chance" and saw we were from the same relatively small city. (much larger now than it was when we were growing up).

ANYWAY- she has been here for a few days, and today while I was at the ER, she brought a FEAST of Sonny's Barbecue for us. That was so very nice. It ended up feeding 11 people! It was great to feel loved and cared for even now, a few days out from Daddy's death.

I think I am learning many things that I want to write down somewhere to remember when someone dies- where I need to encourage them, etc.
Keep praying for us! We are trying to make our plans as to when to go back home to Minnesota .....not yet sure.

Mama is back

Mama got back from South Carolina this afternoon. She made it just in time for evening services at church. She is doing "o.k." She said it would be very hard to now be back here.

I sat with her while she fell asleep tonight. I know it's rough on all of us so it must be thousand times worse for her. :o/

Dad is everywhere in this house- I mean you just imagine him in every part... memories flood us.

Back in Florida

We made it back "home" (where I grew up) to Florida, this evening... went out for supper with my inlaws, and then, well then... I got sick. Not sure that this is just emotions or the unknown illness I deal with (and YES! I WILL be getting in touch with a rheumatologist when I get back to Minnesota!)... whatever it is, I feel rough.

Glenn unfortunately feels strange too. I think the whole whirlwind trips have taken their toll on us. You have to remember that a little over a month ago, we came from Minnesota to Florida, then back to Minnesota, back to Florida last week, then to South Carolina, back to FLorida now. In that time frame also, our van's transmission went out (covered by warranty, BUT we have to come up with the $500 plus towing fees, only God knows from where), and then the car we were using of my inlaws- we had to replace a tire on that while in Georgia... replaced that this morning. Of course in that time frame, we saw my Daddy really close to death, got here AFTER his death, went through two viewings, two funerals, and here we are.

I think the stress, the grief, the finances are just weighing us down. I know God is there, just really really need Him to step in big time now.

I really missed my boys, but we had to send them back to my inlaws for the night- unable to take care of them really tonight. They don't mind- they love spending time there and they were happy to see their sister. (she's with them too).

This house seems so strange without Daddy. I realize that won't change for many years to come. It's just surreal right now.

In Savannah area

We are in a hotel in the Savannah, GA. area. (going back to Florida a different way than we went to S.C.)

I completely fell apart when we crossed the Georgia line. I then dozed off and woke up because my brother called. I heard Glenn telling him, "she's 'o.k.' right now but broke down over the Georgia line... I'm sure it's because of leaving South Carolina, she feels as if she's leaving her Daddy even though she knows He's in heaven. She's just missing him so much." I'm thankful for my family. We've been trying to all check on each other daily.

I thank the Lord for my husband all the time, but especially right now. He gets me completely! It was completely right. I just feel so lonely even though my brothers are grieving just as much, and certainly Mama is grieving more.

It's just, I can't explain it all I guess. I just ache.

I'm not sure who I told what, so please forgive me - on the way to Florida, our van's transmission gave out. This is the THIRD time on this 1999 Ford Windstar- the second time since November!!!! It was under warranty but we had a rough time figuring out where we had it done in November.... (Glenn wasn't with me in Florida when that happened, and I didn't have a mind at all, much less now). ANYWAY- good news is after much hassle, it's fixed as of today- free because of the warranty, but we do have to pay $500 in towing fees.

THEN, as we pulled off our exit here in the Savannah area, Glenn noticed a tire on my inlaws car (we borrowed to make the trip to S.C.), needs changing! Thank the Lord we are here at the hotel same exit with a Wal-mart where we will get it fixed tomorrow. Please pray for the $ for both these things. :o/ I so feel like I am falling apart, but God has always worked these things out for us. Please pray. I appreciate it.

Quick note

Just wanted to post to say that I will have no internet tonight- we will be staying in the mountains where my Mama is staying- with 3 of her sisters. Please pray that we will get internet tomorrow night where we will stay in a motel. (long story, but something got changed in our laptop, and I wonder if it will work elsewhere.... so just pray).

Hopefully will post tomorrow night.

Wednesday

This morning, my youngest brother's family took off back to Florida... they made it home tonight. My middle brother (who was staying with us) and his family left this morning, and will be back to Florida tomorrow sometime. It was so hard letting them go, even though we'll see them this weekend.

We originally were planning to leave S.C. tomorrow, arriving in Florida on Friday. However, we now are leaving Friday, arriving Saturday. We just really feel the urge to see my Mama all we can, and she leaves here Sunday.

As for Minnesota- all depends on our van. It's not yet been fixed because the place where we first got it worked on is refusing to do so... saying they have no records of us having it done there. Long story- just please pray we can prove it and get it done.

We went by the grave today, I cried and cried. This is so hard.

We will leave this hotel tomorrow and head to some aunts' home where as of tonight, Mama is staying. Tomorrow afternoon, we are all going to visit with my Daddy's brothers and their wives.

Tonight was extremely difficult... visited with my 36 year old cousin, the one whom I was always closest to, and she now has colon cancer. SO sad, so very sad. I knew it would be hard to see her, but wow. It hurts.

Tuesday

I am just posting quickly since I know some will be wondering about me, and the funeral today. As funerals go, Daddy has had two really good ones! It's unique of course to have more than one in the first place, but I am telling you... Daddy would have loved both... been happy about the turn out of family and friends and the loved shown to us all.

We are hurting deeply tonight- seeing his face for the last time is a pain that at this moment, I can't even process it all. Mama is doing good honestly, but we all know it comes in waves. Right now, she is surrounded by her family, her sisters and brothers. She is where she grew up, but the leaving here will be a deep hurt- knowing Daddy is not on this trip- is not coming back to Florida.

Sure we understand he's in a much better place, and of course I wouldn't want him to come back to suffering, nor would I want him to leave heaven- even if he were healthy here- I just miss him so very badly! sooooooo very badly, and I can't begin to know how to live in a world without my Daddy (even though I know I have to).

Monday evening

We made it to South Carolina this afternoon. We are staying in a nice hotel and as far as that goes, are thankful and able to relax here a bit.

Tonight, we went to an aunt's house (my Mama's sister) and had supper, amongst many, many family members- something like 45 were there. (Mama is one of 11 kids!)

I must say it was nice to see some who knew how we feel because they've been there. Their remarks are sincere when they say, "I understand how you feel, what you're going through." I appreciate those greatly.

Tomorrow, we will be having a viewing from 12 to 2 p.m. and then have the funeral and burial. This is at the church where my Daddy grew up. It's an old, old church, from the late 1700's. (YES! 1700's). Many a confederate soldier is buried out there, I know that, and many a folk with my maiden name were laid to rest there. I've visited the grave site many times through the years, as I've come to visit the graves of my Grandpa and Grandma. I've known for years where Daddy (and Mama) would be buried. I just couldn't be prepared for that actual moment when it will take place.

Pray for us. We are getting through with a whole lot of praying together, checking on each other, etc.

In Georgia

This morning, around 7 a.m., we gathered in the living room and prayed for my Mama and my niece as they were getting ready to be taken to the airport. They arrived safely in South Carolina and Mama is with one of her sisters.

We attended church where we grew up- where my Daddy was Pastor, but my youngest brother now is. It was good to be there, to hear my brother preach, etc. We listened as he challenged the church to carry on with the legacy Daddy has left, to do the things he would want them to. We cried when we sang "Amazing Grace" as we sang it at the Florida funeral.

Sometime this afternoon, we headed out to make our way to South Carolina. What a rough week we have ahead of us...

We stopped halfway in Georgia for the night. We are all just exhausted emotionally and need this break. It was hard to leave our boys (staying with my inlaws) but I really think it was the right decision for all involved.

My sister in law and I were in our beds talking, recalling different things about Daddy's last days. We are all suffering but at least we are together and understand what the other one is going through. That is comforting. I am so glad we made the decision to stay in a hotel.

I went to bed but woke up not knowing where I was and just had to get up a few minutes.

I surely hope I can sleep tonight. It's getting hard.

Funeral

The funeral was nice as funerals go... lasted just over an hour. The church was packed! The church seats 220 or so, and we had some that were participating in the choir loft, and had to get some chairs out.

Maybe one day I will post more in detail about the funeral, but right now I am exhausted! I am in the process of washing and packing for South Carolina. We are leaving tomorrow morning after church.

My Mama leaves (along with my niece) in the morning- flying. Glenn, Cala and I are heading out (in my inlaws car because of our van breaking down yesterday!), going along with my brother, his wife and their daughter in their car. We will spend the night on the road... I will try checking in there.

Yes, we finally made the decision to have the boys stay here with my inlaws.

More tomorrow.

In Heaven

Daddy died Thursday morning at 3:25 a.m. Eastern time. We were on our way to Florida when we got the call that he was gone. I am so sad I didn't make it, but God knew best.

We had the viewing tonight (Friday) and many, many folks came. It's strange to know that my Daddy's body is over there next door at the church! (he requested that it be left there all night). The funeral is at 2:00 p.m. EST Saturday (tomorrow) at the church. We will leave for South Carolina probably Sunday afternoon... the funeral there (where he and my Mama grew up) is on Tuesday (viewing before the funeral) and they will bury him in that church's cemetery. (the church where he grew up).

Pray for us. This house seems so empty tonight.

Called In...

This is it.... we literally were still at the hotel this morning when we found out we need to hit the road to Florida- the Hospice nurses say 2 to 3 days. Please pray for us... we are hitting the road in a few minutes... I hope to post from the motel, but we are driving as far down as possible, and so, it will be the middle of the night before we stop. I am sure I will be road weary, restless, etc. and so, yes I will get online if possible.

I wanted to be sure to post here before leaving because I can have more people praying.

Nice Time Out

We made it to the hotel right at check in time- at 3 p.m. and plan to stay here until check out tomorrow. Soon after arriving, we took a shuttle to the Mall of America, which we can actually see out our hotel room. (as well as the MSP airport!)

We really enjoyed the MOA and I am surprised by that. What I mean is I haven't been a mall person at all really. This place is just massive, overwhelming even but we sure had fun there. We ate supper there at one of my favorite restaurants, then took the shuttle back to the hotel. We went swimming and just about an hour ago now got back up to the room.

After getting everyone their showers and having our nightly family devotion time, we have the kids in bed! Whew.... Glenn, my niece, and I are about to watch a DVD- an old Alfred Hitchcock film with Carey Grant.

The best thing is this room is completely free! We have racked up enough points with this hotel chain that it's a free night. We just really, really felt strongly that we should come celebrate our anniversary now instead of waiting, hoping that things would be o.k. during that time.

I am really glad we came!!!! These kind of days do wonders for our mental well-being. It's great we brought my niece too! She is the type of person that holds her emotions in, but I know that she's suffering too... she's close to her Grandpa. This is hard on everyone.

Just talked to my Mama... also, I talked earlier to my youngest brother (this niece's Dad). He said that he's really glad we came when we did, because now Daddy is just truly there... just hanging on.

We will be home tomorrow afternooon. Catch you tomorrow night!

Monday

Today we went looking at a lake we were interested in knowing about. We had been told it was a clear lake with a nice beach area. We went to check it out to see if it was conducive to baptizing. (as one of the ones who joined yesterday was a 9 year old girl who has been saved but not baptized). We are not so sure it will be. SO, the search continues.

This afternoon I went to Wal-mart to pick up just a few things while my niece was cooking supper for us! Her Mom is Mexican and so my niece said she knew how to make a Mexican breakfast, so we had her do that for our supper. I enjoyed the time away alone, and I enjoyed not cooking.

Tomorrow we have the Backyard Bible Club here at our home and then we are heading out for an overnight. See, our anniversary is the 24th of this month and we really feel like we may be in the middle of Daddy's death, funeral, travel, aftermath of it all, or whatever... and so, we decided to go tomorrow night while my niece is still here. Last year while she was here, we promised her that THIS year we would take her to the Mall of America and so we are doing that. We have a free hotel stay (through having enough points with this chain), and they have a free shuttle to the Mall. SO, we are taking the kids and our niece and having a fun time tomorrow night and Wednesday morning.

I'll take the laptop with me tomorrow, so hopefully I'll post from there.

Good Sunday

We had a good Sunday today. I am grateful for that. It really helps me emotionally, and as my Mama just said, "you need good days."

A family that has been attending our services here since right before Easter, joined this morning. What a blessing.

As for Daddy--- a new to them Hospice nurse came this evening and he said Daddy is still not at that "going to die in the next few hours or even the next few days" phase. Of course he also went on to say that he had never met Daddy so of course he can't assess him as well as the regular nurse can.

Saturday

Just sadness filling my heart- full of memories tonight. Yes, someday I realize they'll bring me joy... now, they bring me joy mixed with sadness that we won't be making anymore memories with Daddy.

4th of July (Friday) post

We had a very nice 4th of July! I am super late writing this post because of it! For supper, Glenn grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. It was our family (including my niece of course). At 8 p.m., a family from church came by and we followed them to another (larger) city for fireworks that began at 10. It took about 20 minutes to get there, and then we sat our chairs and blankets in our desired spot and enjoyed some great fellowship. They had brought along sandwiches and other goodies and I brought a favorite dessert that I make. (and of course we all had brought bottled water in a cooler).

These fireworks were truly the best (or just as good) that I have seen in my life, and my life includes many times seeing Disney World's display. I am very happy we went!

We got home about 11, got the kids to bed, and my niece, my husband and I sat up until just now playing a new game we bought a couple of days ago- called, "Take the Train."

As for my parents... my Mama really can use your prayers. She had watched a video today from 1994--- in it, my Daddy and I were at our church homecoming, singing together, "He is Here." It served to make her sad for those days. Strangely enough I believe it must have been about 1994 when Daddy had radioactive seed implants to stave off the cancer.

Hope your 4th was good.

Thursday

We've been gone basically all day today! Both Ethan and I had a therapy appointment, so we all loaded up early today and hit some stores that this bigger city has. We got some good deals again and I find that a blessing from God! When fall hits, and school time rolls around, we won't have to shell it all out at one time for Cala and Ethan's school clothes and supplies.

After attending this therapy session, I am thankful once again for our great insurance that allows us to go at no cost. What a blessing!

As for Daddy, my Mama said that today he has been more awake, eating more, etc. This could very well be the "rallying" that we've been told he'll do.

Thanks for the prayers!

Wednesday

This morning, we decided to ride over to another city, just to show my niece an area she had not seen last year when she was here. Although I had not planned to spend any money really, I am glad we went to Wal-mart there. I have been trying to buy Cala and Ethan's school clothes a little along so we don't have to buy them all at once come fall. I don't have as much luck finding clearance deals for Ethan as I do for Cala, so it was a nice change today... I found Ethan 2 shirts, and also his tennis shoes for school. ($5.00 for Spider-man tennis shoes that light up- normally $15.00 a pair!- You can't beat that!). To top it off, the shirts I got, were actually 2 shirts in each- one long sleeved, one short sleeved that came together for $3.00. I got two sets of shirts- so in reality, 4 shirts. Ethan was happy.

After church tonight, Glenn, my niece and I, decided to watch a movie on DVD. I just woke up and woke the other two up as we fell asleep! ha

As for Daddy---my oldest niece is in Florida- arrived today, from Oklahoma. She will be there until Tuesday. Pray for her as she says "Goodbye" to Grandpa. This niece is just 7 years younger than me.

My Mama

Tuesday- I have cried a ton of tears today, especially this evening. My heart is so heavy for my Mama right now.

Please pray for her.

Getting Closer

I talked to my Mama today as I do daily (several times a day actually). Since it is coming up on six months that Hospice has been there with Daddy, the caseworker (nurse) came today to do an assessment. Of course since they realize that Daddy is getting ever closer to death, they will not leave as is their standard procedure if the patient has exceeded 6 months.

We are just sitting on ready really. Today I packed the kids clothes back up.... tomorrow, I will spend washing everything that is left to wash (had to leave a couple of loads when we went to Florida). I can't really pack things for Glenn and I yet, as we don't have as many clothes as the kids do!

We were also sort of stuck tonight, wondering what to do. My 16 year old niece is with us and we needed to purchase her ticket tonight in order to get the best deal. However, her ticket is for Thursday of next week- July 10th. Not knowing if we will be here that long!, we wondered what to do- if we get called to Florida before then, we lose the ticket... if we don't, then all is o.k. If we waited a few days, the ticket will go up in price AND they say on their website to purchase it 10 days before flight. SO, in the final analysis, we got it.

My oldest brother is praying he can get to Florida (from Paraguay) before Daddy dies. He is too sick himself to come right now. The doctors though believe they can have him ready in 3 weeks- and even though I want my brothers all there (the other one in Paraguay is on the waiting list for next Tuesday), I can no longer pray Daddy makes it for any of us. He is in SOOOOO much pain now. I know he's much better off going on Home. sigh.............

Sunday

I'm in a lot of pain tonight so this won't be long....

We had a good Sunday... I really missed the people that attend our church. It was nice seeing them again and feeling missed by them.

I really don't think it will be long at all before we are back in Florida. Daddy continues to go downhill.

If I had to give a guess, I would say within a month.

Home

All I feel like writing for now is we are home. We made it back to our home in Minnesota around 6:30 this evening.

We are exhausted in every way but 'happy' to be home for now.

Friday- Wisconsin

We made it tonight to Wisconsin. We have about a 4 and a half hour drive home tomorrow. Of course, that doesn't mean we will be home very early. We do hope to be home in the evening sometime at least though.

This afternoon, Ethan suddenly starts crying. He said he dreamed about Grandpa (my Daddy) and that he misses him so much. He cried at least 30 minutes straight. The pitiful thing was when he started, we were on a toll road with absolutely no place to stop. The moment we had a chance to pull over, we did and he sobbed some more. Of course that put me in tears.

Daddy had a rough night they say and today he managed to say to me, "I love you."

Keep praying.

Thursday- on our way home

We made it to Paducah, Kentucky.... we are staying tonight in the same hotel where we stayed the first night on our way down to Florida. We are about half way home, really went a long ways today.

We had intended to be up and almost ready to go by 2 a.m., but by the time everyone said their goodbyes and I spent extra time with my Daddy, it was exactly 3 a.m. when we cranked the van and headed out.

This morning, I believe God gave me a precious moment with Daddy. He's been seeing Heaven a good bit lately and this morning was no exception. He suddenly just looked up at the ceiling (as he does a lot now) and said, "it's such a peaceful place. There's no sickness, there's no hospitals, I can walk here, I can run here." He went on to describe that it was just beautiful, beyond anything he could describe. He's been talking a lot lately about who he's seeing there, but this morning, he told me more about seeing streets of gold, seeing a river. Wow. That's all I can say is wow.

Happy Blogoversary to me!

I posted (below this one) but then realized that today is my blogoversary. I began this blog 2 years ago today. (before that I blogged some while we lived in Russia- those posts are somewhere. ha)

I intended to commit to posting 75 days straight until today, my blogoversary. I have grown accustomed however to posting daily, and well... I'll go as much as I can daily. Thanks for reading. It means a lot.

Today's post is below this one, entitled, "Only Tears."

Only Tears

Only tears today... only tears.

Pray for us as we plan to leave in the middle of the night... I will try posting from the motel tomorrow night.

Tuesday- (for some reason blogger says Monday!)

This morning, Daddy was awake and talking a good bit. He was completely in his right mind and it was nice to have a good hour or so to talk to him. Only once did I wonder about a memory he was telling me about from when he was a teenager. Who knows!? It could be completely true anyway. Some things we simply won't know I guess unless we remember him telling it before.

I have come to the realization that we have lost him. What I mean is, we have lost the Daddy I know and love. Of course I love this one that is in bed, too. That's not what I mean... I mean I've lost the Daddy that used to call me daily in the mornings since he knew I was up getting Cala ready for school... I've lost the Daddy that would joke with me because many times I had ended up calling him four or five times throughout the day. I've already lost so much and sometimes just typing that out makes me feel so selfish. :o(

Tomorrow is our last day here and that in itself is more than I can think about right now.

Monday

Today was busy. The bath aides were here, a preacher came by to visit, another one came to pick up my niece for camp, (as well as visited with Daddy a few minutes), the Hospice nurse came, and in between all that, the company that Daddy's c-pap machine came from, came by! (we were gone during that time, as we took my Mama out to eat lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant here in town).

This evening, my sister-in-law and I took Cala with us and headed to a nearby town to a small Wal-mart. This was just to see if they had any different clearance items than the Super Center here in my hometown. Because we have both Cala and Ethan going to school this September, I am trying to buy their school stuff (clothes and supplies) little along, as I see good deals.

Daddy ate a good bit tonight and last night his voice was strong... wondering if this is the "rallying" we have heard about.

Sunday

Last night, I stayed up the entire night on the couch close to my parents' room. This is because Daddy had suddenly taken off his c-pap machine (for sleep apnea)- which is also connected now to oxygen. He was very fidgety and my sister-in-law and I were concerned that he would do this again and Mama might need our help.

I am a night owl by design and so I offered to sit up. I honestly had intended at some point to go to bed after three or four hours, by around 4 a.m. or so, but no... I fell asleep for 1 hour evidently, and then just couldn't rest. So, there I stayed. Of course today I was entirely exhausted!

After church in the morning, people like to come over and see Daddy. One man was so taken aback that he sobbed and sobbed this morning. Daddy's death will affect many.

We are continuing on with our plans to leave Thursday. Pray for us.

Saturday

Today we attended the funeral that I mentioned in a previous post. That was hard of course.

Tonight, my Daddy continued his decline and began crying that he won't be here long.

Please pray for all of us... we have some decisions to be made and none are easy.

Friday

Daddy has not been awake more than 15 minutes at any one time all day. The Hospice nurse asked today if we would say he's sleeping 20 plus hours a day. I responded, "20 plus PLUS!" :o(

I am SO glad we came when we did because for the first 2 days or so he was talking to me... now, hardly ever.

As for me, some of you who have read this blog for months, know that I am being tested for Lupus, and a host of other things. Anyway, whatever it is I have (other than fibromyalgia) decided to flare up this morning.

Because of the death I mentioned last night, I helped Mama today to fix some food to take to the family. It was just weird to be doing something that soon, someone will do for us.

My heart continues to break. It's just so hard. We have our days of being on top of things and other days when the walls come crashing down... this has been a wall crashing day.

Thursday

Tuesday night, we had the Hospice nurse here to help Daddy because of his catheter stopping. While she was here, around 11 p.m., a good friend of mine (the same on I mentioned this week on Monday- my "sister"), called because her uncle (to whom she was very close) had died that night. He had just spent time with his family, eating supper, having dessert, and his Mom found him dead at his computer.
We spent well into the night with the family at the ER and then at their home.

Now, on Saturday, I will attend his funeral. :o( I can't believe that while we have been waiting on Daddy to go, we now will have attended (at this point) 2 funerals. (one back in December for a close family friend- also a very unexpected death).

This funeral on Saturday will be hard- of course it will be anyway- a shock, but it will be held at the funeral home where my Daddy will be. It just seems like a 'practice' of sorts. Sigh....

Daddy is just not well. His mind is wandering now. At this point, we are not sure if it's medicine or from the cancer.

Continue praying.

Tuesday

Just a quick note... we had to call a Hospice nurse to come tonight and she is here now.... Daddy's catheter quit- had nothing in it, which means they need to come and check it out. Of course we also know that this may just be another sign of dying, as we know his kidneys will eventually shut down.

Pray for us. It will be terrible if they have to get him to the hospital. So much pain.

I am so tired... imagine how he's feeling.

Monday

Grief.... plain and simple... grief.

A girl I grew up with is the nearest thing I have to a sister. (I am the youngest, the only girl- I have 3 older brothers). My "sister" came to see Daddy today (whom she considers her Dad, as he is as close to one as she had). It was rough seeing her see Daddy in this condition... she came 2 weeks ago to visit I am told, but Daddy was not as bad off as he is now. He seems to be changing daily.

I had been crying a lot before she came, but had stopped.... seeing my "sister" sobbing made me feel so strange, sort of removed from the situation. I felt so bad for her, and left the room for just a moment to get my Mama. She came and held my "sis."

You see, we all know we HAVE to face Daddy's impending death. We just don't want to. It really doesn't make it any easier to know we have to. We are all dealing with this the best we can I think.

Then, enter in guilt... I left for a couple of hours this evening thinking Daddy would be sleeping the entire time because he had been awake a LOT today (because his bath aides were here for a good long while, then my "sis" came, my inlaws were here, etc.). He was so tired and you could really tell that.

I called while we were out (went to eat with my inlaws for their anniversary), and Daddy was awake. I felt so guilty for ever leaving. Now, my parents both assured me not to feel that way, but I couldn't help it. I am home, he's sleeping. sigh.....

Please pray we all sleep tonight. Last night was not a good night at all. My Mama, my sister in law, my husband and I all were up around 3:30 helping Daddy. After everyone else went to bed, I still could not sleep, and it was after 6 a.m. I finally rested a bit. Pray.

Sunday

This morning, I stayed home to take care of Daddy and so my Mama could go to church. Then, tonight I stayed here too, but this time, Mama stayed home as well. She wanted to be with Daddy, but not be alone either, and so I stayed. I really was feeling rough anyway, re-cuperating from the trip.

It is just so hard to see my Daddy this way, and I am still processing it all. He's jerking a lot now. The pain medicine seems to be causing him to be mixed up, mostly at night... sometimes, it's even been comical, as if to give me a smile in the midst of the sadness, the pain of losing him. I am suddenly brought back down, low as I remember why he's been silly- because of pain medicine, given to him to bring the edge off. Then, I am sad... really really sad.

Here- Yesterday's Post

I will post again tonight, but here is yesterday's post.... I typed out just a short note and hit post, but it came up with an error message, so no... I didn't miss, just some blogger glitch...

Saturday- Here in Florida.... "We're here, exhausted, but here. Daddy is just not looking good. I can't even process it all yet. Please pray."

Not much more to say, but that I will post tonight when I get the chance. I am staying home with Daddy this morning so Mama can go to church.

Friday- Georgia

Tonight, we made it to Perry, Georgia. For those of you who are not up on Georgia geography, it's a little over 100 miles south of Atlanta, and just 31 miles south of Macon. That puts us 333 miles from our home town, or about 5 hours.

We are exhausted! SO, tomorrow, we are going to just sleep and not worry about leaving really early from here. We are planning it so we can stop by a Wal-mart on the way in, and then we are going to meet my inlaws for supper at Cracker Barrel. This will be our Father's Day time with my father-in-law, and also, after that, I don't plan to leave my parents home much. I do have a planned shopping trip with my Mama, because she has asked me to carry her one morning, but only for a couple of hours or so.

Please continue praying. I am so tired emotionally and it's only begun of course. Daddy's hospice nurse told my Mama to call them with any change whatsoever at this point, because the nurse has noticed changes since 2 days ago. The nurse will be back on Monday, but she said if anything changes at all before then, to call Hospice.

I will try posting tomorrow night from my parents home. Of course I can't promise that since I don't know what will happen tomorrow... I don't know what to expect when I see Daddy... well, I do, from what I've been told, but it scares me. It really scares me.

Glad to be safely in a room...

As I posted last night, we planned to get up and leave by 2 a.m. this morning. God had other plans! We absolutely could not sleep, and turned the t.v. on, only to find that the Cities were under a tornado watch, and much of the area where we would soon be traveling. We then decided to re-set the alarm for 2:30 and leave by 3, but still couldn't sleep. So then we said, "let's just get up and go now" and then all of a sudden, "BOOM!" Thunder and lightning ensued. So, leaving the alarm set for 2:30 we proceeded to try to get some sleep.

The storm continued and we hit the snooze button when 2:30 rolled around and fell asleep. Glenn woke up at 4:40 and off we were at a little after 6 this morning!

We drove through some terribly flooded areas (well, we could see tractors out in water, where obviously crops have been destroyed.). I was driving as a terrible storm started and seemed to go on for ages. That set us back even further.

All that to say.... we made it to Paducah, Kentucky (farther than we planned) tonight. We got here around 9:30 p.m. and first thing, we began the baths... didn't matter it was late for the kids... we all needed to shower the road off. lol

This is certainly going to be an emotional trip... I can feel that the closer we get. In talking to my Mama and my sister-in-law, they are happy we are on our way.

Continue praying for us... I'll try writing again tomorrow night- we'll be in Georgia somewhere.

Yes I should sleep...

We are going to sleep for a little while (soon) and get up and head out- hoping by 2 a.m. I will post again tomorrow evening from the motel (AS LONG AS I can get a good wi-fi connection).

Please pray for us... I told my Mama and my sister-in-law tonight, but not my Daddy. He knows we will be there by Tuesday... we will surprise him Saturday night.

Pray for our trip, and for the van, etc. etc. Thanks!

We're going....

Thanks to those who have posted, emailed and to the rest of you who I know are reading (or at least I may not know who you are, but I know there are quite a few who read). Thanks for the prayers.

We spent today deciding to go this coming Sunday, following church. THEN, later in the day Glenn suddenly asked what did I think of us going tomorrow night after church? That depends on him getting a preacher we know to fill in for him. So, pray about all that. He will call tomorrow (we were gone the majority of the day today).

IF we do leave tomorrow (well, actually early early Thursday morning- middle of the night)... we will make it to my parents house by Saturday night late, putting us there for Father's Day. I had really wanted to be there for Father's Day, but didn't think it possible, and so did not say.

We also got word tonight from a Pastor that his church is sending us an offering towards this trip. What a blessing! That seemed to be further confirmation to us to go on this week instead of the following Sunday.

I have struggled so much with when to go- you see, for me, I could easily keep staying here and NOT go until we get THE call... I dread the day we leave to come back home to Minnesota. I remember how it was in January. You can read a little about that here http://minnesota-mama.blogspot.com/2008/01/on-our-way-home.html#links .

I just don't want to be the one that had the chance (God is seemingly making a way financially) and didn't go. I would regret that big time!

Pray for us. Of course we will take the lap top whenever we do go, and I will try updating from the motel each night. I will try to remember to post when we have definitely decided on when we are leaving.

Monday

Monday was an emotional day. We spent most of the afternoon talking about when we will go to Florida- when the best time is... we haven't been "called in" so to speak, but we feel the need to get there and see Daddy for a few days. When we go, we will travel by vehicle, and because of the time it takes to get "to and fro", we will only have an actual 8 days or so there. That seems so little. We would much prefer two weeks there, but it's the way it has to be. We know at some point in the coming weeks, we will be called in that "this is it", and so, now we will go spend a few precious days with Daddy.

To be honest, none of us thought he would be here this long. When I left Florida in January (after spending 2 months there), I thought he would be gone by end of February, first of March. Here it is June. Grief is so real right now and I just feel this need to get there.

He's weak, he's tired, he's hard to understand on the phone now and I am told that's the way he is in person too.

I already dread the leaving him again, but I also don't want to be the person who could have been there, but didn't go just because I don't want to deal with seeing him like this.

Pray for us... we have some major decisions to make about when to go. It came down to money, and we have some set back for "THE" trip, and then today... we found a way to get a major portion for a visit trip. Pray for us... we still need more, but if God wants us to go, He'll supply.

With tears....

Sunday

Yes, I'm writing "early" (10:30 p.m. here) again! What's happening with me?! ha

We've had a really good day. Church was good.

Tonight, we have a girl from church having a sleep-over with Cala. It will surely be all giggles and little sleep ! I am happy for Cala to have a friend like this. It makes me remember my childhood.

Pray for Daddy. He is in a lot of pain... he's not sounding good at all the past several days. Of course this makes my heart sad.

A nice Saturday

Praise the Lord, the rain never came! We had a good party today!

This morning, we had 16 kids present and 3 of us workers. That really is good for our first time doing this... now we wait to see how Tuesday will go! We also know of 4 other kids here in our neighborhood that were out of town today but want to be here Tuesday... the lady in our church also knows of a couple of other kids that were out of town but plan to be here Tuesday. We pray so!

Everything went well and we now look forward to seeing what will happen this summer with our Backyard Bible Club!

Friday- Day ?

I will have to go back and figure out what day I am on of 75 days of blogging :o) I am enjoying it... hope I'm not too dreadful boring! ha

I also thought I would shock you who read by posting this earlier tonight! How 'bout that?!

Today was one of those days where time seemed to get away from me... just went too quickly. A lady from church came over right before 1:00 this afternoon to go over our plans for tomorrow- we are hosting a (backyard) "end of the school year" party for kids. We are very excited, and praying that the weather will cooperate tomorrow! (it's looking "iffy" right now). However, we have other ideas, a back-up plan in case we have to take things inside our garage.

Some of our neighborhood kids have already said they are coming, and so we are looking forward to that.

The folks from church invited Cala to go swimming with them this afternoon, so she had a blast. Once she got back home, we all went to Wal-mart to buy some things we need for tomorrow, and for church on Sunday. We enjoyed our time together.

I am tired now, hurting lots, but looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday!

Thursday, a wonderful day....

Today (Thursday) was one of those days you wish could last a lot longer! We first left this morning and headed to a nearby city where Ethan had a therapy session. (well, actually this first one was talking to Glenn and me about Ethan). I am quite confident this therapist will be able to help Ethan and to help us help him.

We had planned a nice lunch out together but because we were mistaken on the time for my appointment, we had to have Glenn take the kids to eat while I waited. I missed out on my favorite pizza buffet that we so rarely get, but hey! That's life.

I really liked my therapist as well and think it will be good for me to see her about the grief I am facing, etc. I am glad I decided to go.

After all that was over, we really really enjoyed our time as a family! We went to a few stores we were all interested in, and ate supper together. We got back home right around 9 p.m.!!!!

One of the highlights of the day was introducing the kids to Pop Rocks! You know that candy that as popular when I was a kid? (in the 70's.) The expressions on the kids' faces were priceless! Got to love hearing Pop Rocks explode in your mouth!

Yep, it was a wonderful day.... Cala didn't disappoint... she was heard saying her typical thing for days like this, "this is the best day ever!" :o)

Wednesday

Today (Wednesday) turned out to be a very nice day. Emotionally, I have just been feeling way down low. I know that will be the "norm" for awhile, but I sure wish it weren't so. Of course I wish this whole nightmare was just that- a nightmare.

Anyway... a lady in our church had invited Cala over to do a craft with her and some other girls (her daughter has become Cala's good friend). This morning, the lady called asking if the boys could come too! Her boys would like them to come over. What a nice treat that was for them! My boys were extremely excited to spend time with these older boys (like big brothers).

This gave Glenn and I time alone which just doesn't happen. It was wonderful! We went out to eat lunch and took care of some things in town. What a blessing!

Then tonight, Glenn preached on prayer and used the word as an acronym.
P- praise R- repentance A-adversity Y-yearning E-expectation R- rejoicing. I must say it hit home.

Tomorrow, we will be gone most of the day. We are taking Ethan to a therapist- more on that later, as well as I am going to speak with one about grief. I think I need it. Yes, they are Christian counselors, highly recommended and praise the Lord, they take our insurance! Zero out of pocket.

Tuesday

Woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach... at first, I thought it was due to my fibromyalgia and/or whatever else I have wrong with me. Then I thought perhaps it was just the stress. However, when I woke up for the night, Glenn said he too had been up (about 2 hours after I had) with the same symptoms. I am thinking it was a bad chicken sandwich we ate for supper last night! ugghh. We are both better tonight, but not 100 percent.

Cala had her last day of school today. She really likes school and is sad to lose these classmates (all but one)... however, she is excited about being able to be outside so much more now! I am happy to have her home too! We have a lot of fun together!

Daddy had another difficult day. Please pray for my Mama and the stress she is under.

Monday

I'm sad tonight, just so very sad.... my Daddy has had a rough day.

Please pray for me (and for my family).

Sunday

Today was a good day. I enjoyed teaching my Sunday School class on Amos, and being famous in God's eyes- Amos said he was neither a prophet, nor a prophet's son when God called him to do something for Him. The kids enjoyed the lesson (or was it that it included "Famous Amos" cookies? ha). Seriously, we had a good class, good worship service, as well as tonight. We have fellowship ("Sandwich Sunday") every Sunday night and enjoy that.

This week, Cala has her last day of school on Tuesday. She's sad at losing her classmates. I know she's happy though at being outside this summer. The neighborhood is buzzing with kids playing :o)

Looking forward to seeing what this week brings!

Those who read this and are from the "adoption community", well, you will completely understand this post....

Note to person who used the words, "real Mama" when speaking of my oldest son's birth mother, well... I realize this person would never dream of hurting me.... this person also doesn't read my blog, so really why am I writing this post?! I guess to safely vent somewhere. (hey! It's my blog after all, guess I can post what I want!).

It's just... if "real Mama" is the way we describe her, what am I? Fake Mama? I don't feel fake. I feel very real. Admittedly, I could stand to lose a lot of weight, but uh... I LOOK very real... I don't think I look fake.

Ok... enough said... you may go back to your regularly scheduled broadcasting.

Real Mama here, out........ :o)